Although I've had some mini-bouts of baby blues over the last few months, they've mostly been event-related - after a frustrating day involving lots of crying, generally. I haven't felt like I wanted to talk about those times, because overall I feel really blessed and happy, and I feel like I spent enough time whining about dating on this blog, so I'd like to avoid whining about motherhood if I can avoid it.
It's funny that the hardest bout to shake has been over the last couple of weeks, when CB has been remarkably wonderful, enjoyable, and happy. We've gotten over the nap problems at last, it's fun to feed her real food, she cries a lot less than she talks and smiles, she's funny and happy and interactive and adorable.
I've been trying to pinpoint where my blue feelings are coming from, and although I'm sure that lots of it is hormonal and some of it is seasonal, there are also some components that fall into categories that are a little more under my control.
1) An overwhelming sense of responsibility for another person.
You know why your friends who are parents only ever talk about their kids? You know why this blog has been completely taken over by CB? She is ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT. I have a secret hope that at some point I will think about other things. I mean, I read books sometimes, watch some TV shows, spend time with Eric after CB's in bed, but I also spend the vast majority of my time thinking about how to change CB's nap schedule, how I should introduce solids, whether I can make something she needs or if I should buy it, whether I should continue/resume/give up cloth diapers, etc. When Eric wants to do something, the first thing I think about is how CB will factor in. Could someone babysit her? Will I have to pump for her? Will she need a nap while she's out with us? There are some really wonderful things about realizing a little person relies on you completely, and there are also some major drawbacks. Don't get me wrong: Eric is a fantastic father - very supportive, very hands-on, very helpful. But. Because he isn't with her all day, he doesn't think about things the same way. AND because I'm a breastfeeding mother, I am THE food source for at least a few more months, so that's double the insanity. She'll eat more and more solids, and that will be wonderful, but until about two weeks ago I was the ONLY food source, which doubled as the calming medium for getting CB ready to sleep. I was IT. It's a very big adjustment.
2) Feelings of isolation.
I live in an overwhelmingly older neighborhood. There are a few people with small children, but there aren't many babies, and most of the babies are third or fourth babies. Most of my close friends live too far away to just jaunt over to their house when I'm feeling lonely. Eric works from home, but I can't say more than a quick hello to him during the day, because well, he needs to work so we can buy food and stuff. CB is wonderful, but she doesn't talk yet, and she also needs to be somewhere in which she can take a nap every 2-3 hours, and she goes to bed by 7:30, so we have to plan outings around that.
3) Boredom.
Almost every day is about the same. CB learns new things, sure, and I work on different tasks, but it's pretty much always CB and me, hanging around the house, maybe going to the grocery store if we're feeling adventurous. Whenever I think about this one I think about whether I'd trade this experience to be back working in a library, which I truly loved doing. And I always come to the conclusion that for now at least, it would tear my heart out, and that as long as we're making it without the extra income, I'd rather be here. I love that I've been here for CB's first smiles and laughs and foods, and I can't wait to see her walk and talk and play make believe and everything else that's coming. I love our relationship. I love that she reaches for me when she sees me, looks for me when I'm not there, knows my games and jokes. I wouldn't trade it for anything. But that still means that right now I spend the majority of my days covered in spit up and pureed foods, listening to my very vocal baby babbling and shrieking and squealing. Loudly. For hours.
I know that someday I will look back on these baby days with longing. I already feel a sense of loss that my baby isn't a newborn anymore. I just had three friends have babies in a 24 hour period, and it's making me itch to have another teensy one in my arms (stupid hormones). But I also know that it will be a good thing that this won't be my life forever. I'm working on ways to make it better now, whether it's finding a book club or joining a playgroup or finding something that gets me out of the house by myself a few times a month or finding a hobby that is easy to pick up and put down again and can't be ruined by or harmful to curious little hands. It might be something else entirely. I'm open to suggestions.
I love my little girl. I love being her mom. I hope I will have more little ones, and that I will figure out how on earth you take care of more than one at a time. But right now, I also have to figure out what being a person with emotional needs and being a mother at the same time means for me right now. It's a process
6 comments:
I don't really have an advice for you, for obvious reasons... I kind of expect similar feelings from myself eventually, especially the boredom aspect (which I think is pretty normal). It seems like a play group would make a huge difference though, and personally I think running solo will help me keep my head. I wish we lived closer though--we could be book friends and talk about how it's cool our husbands work at home.
Aw, I'm sorry about the baby blues. I (obviously) don't have kids, but the challenges you mention make a lot of sense and are some of the things I worry about for the future. Also, I suspect your feelings are not uncommon, people are just hesitant to talk about it (to which I say yay for keeping it real so we can all support each other instead of feeling alone).
Anyway, I'm usually home "writing" most of the day, so let me know if you ever want to video chat or something while you're hanging out with CB. She can be cute while we talk about books and stuff.
Thank you for this post, you have put into words so many of my feelings over the last 17 months of my life. I LOVE being a mother and I LOVE being home with Brett, but it is hard and lonely and boring sometimes. I remember thinking that as soon as I wasn't Brett's sole source of food that maybe I could go on a date with my husband without worrying or stressing, but I am not that way. I still worry, although it has gotten a lot easier to leave him with a sippy and some crackers. I think of all those neighborhoods that are overflowing with new families and little babies and I am jealous of them. I have found that I need to find my own interactions and its really really hard. There are some fun free baby things at libraries and such and we just bought a membership to the zoo/aquarium/botanical gardens. There may be some similar places around your place. I have found that even when i'm not interacting with other people, it helps to get out of the house. I have tried to choose a few things that I can do for just me. I love the way I feel when I exercise! There are some really great at home DVD's that can give you some great endorphines inside your own home, or you may even want to go to a Yoga class twice a week after CB goes to bed. Hormones are REALLY annoying and they make you think and feel ridiculous things (although wanting another baby is normal I think and it only gets more strong the older your baby gets)! This comment has been all over the place, but know that you aren't alone and i'm bored here in Albuquerque too so we should talk on the phone more often!
hey! I know the feeling! Part of me wants to tell you to just relax because babies don't need as much focus and attention as we think they do :) But when they're the only ones around its hard not to feel utterly consumed. I feel like this ALL THE TIME and its hard because you start feeling less like a person and more just like a mom-robot. Feel free to give me a holler and I'll haul myself and kiddos down your way :) P.S. I think it gets better with subsequent children. I take them both somewhere every single day without even stressing...I never thought that would happen lol :)
YES! I love this! For I feel exactly 110% the same way! I think for me it started as soon as I figured out how to take care of Cooper well enough and then I thought oh wait I haven't thought about myself in five months! I am just now starting to pinpoint some of the things I need that I have been putting on hold and one of them is more alone time! How I long to feel like a person who is also a mother rather than just a mommy and nothing else. Never fear Megan, we are having normal human time this Friday! And we will plan more play dates and date nights and mommy nights out!
I'm sorry you're having the baby blues, but it's totally understandable. I just wanted to say, I'm in a book club with some people from the U, and we're looking for more people. We're currently reading Orwell's A Clergyman's Daughter. We'll probably discuss in late February/early March. Let me know if you're interested. We'd love to have you!
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