Everbody's Changing and I Don't Feel the Same . . .

I'm sitting in the middle of my mess of half-packed boxes and stacks of books and I'm feeling a bit at a loss. It's that funny time of year when I realize that everything is going to be different when I get back to school. I just read Krissie's post called "Different But the Same" (thank you, Ben Kweller) and I thought I would add some similar musings to the pot.
For the last couple of weeks everyone I know has been getting married. (Okay, not quite, but a LOT of them have been getting married.) Some of my favorite people are now going to be sharing food bills and credit cards, and that's weird. I'm happy for them, and I'm not even particularly jealous, but it's a funny thing whenever your relationship with someone changes in a permanent kind of way, which is what happens, isn't it? I mean, I'll probably never just call up Joel Crane because I need a blessing or a ride to the choir concert, and I'll never run upstairs to hug Landon Taylor (partially because she's now Landon Wheeler). Heidi Child will not be my visiting teacher, Elise Morrell won't be hosting movie night (at least not as Elise Morrell), and I don't even know if Sami will still be around to cut my hair. I know that I will still see many of them, but their lives and mine are now in completely different stages, and I know from experience that this changes things in a funny and not entirely pleasant (for me) way.
Today I changed my address on Route Y for the first time in three years (unless you count the time I moved from 158 to 154.) I'm very excited about my new roommates, but I'm sad too. I'll miss Lili's craziness and Mandy's calm, comforting advice, just as last year I missed Sam's matter-of-fact view of life and Whitney's good natured feminism. I'll miss the Glenwood - the hall club, being able to run to the other side of the building to see the boys, our mural, the quote wall, being able to put nails in the walls, and my green and blue room. I'll miss the 129th ward, even though I know that it's already much different - many of my good friends have already moved, and Bishop McGee was released when I moved out. Still I'll miss toaster strudel sessions and midnight movies with Jonathan, watching the Office in 178, movie night in 194, running to the boys of 193 for everything (thanks again for rescuing me from Mount Timp, guys), getting hugged by Geoff every day of my life, living next door to Carrie and hearing her listening to "Soul Meets Body" through the wall, waffle parties on minor holidays with Jayson and Chris (I think I'll miss the poetry most of all), and so many other things that it hasn't even occurred to me to miss yet.I haven't quite figured out how it will work now that all of the people who have been so important to me live more than two seconds away. How will we balance the time we spend with the old friends we love so much and the new friends we are bound to make? How will we manage without our big bedrooms? How will I ever get noticed by the boys with beautiful Krissie Ostlund as my new roommate? (I'm only sort of kidding.)
It's still weird trying to adjust to my relationship with Miri now that she has a serious boyfriend. (I hope you don't mind my saying this, Miri.) She doesn't need to confide in me as much because she has Mike, and it's strange that I am not really the other half of her most important M&M now. It's sad that I am already preparing to do a lot of the socializing and flirting without her, and I miss the way things were before even though I'm happy that she has found someone who makes her happy.
Most of all, I'm scared to death that I am only a few months away from graduation. I still don't know what I want to do or where I'll go when I finish, and the most terrifying thing about all of this musing is that next year I won't be going back to these people or places at all. It's a very lonely thought that I can't help thinking often. If it seems as though the relationships are in an uproar now, wait until I'm not even in a student ward. I shudder at the thought of attending a singles' ward, of applying for a real job with an insurance plan and a time card, of trying to figure out how I want to live in a college graduate sort of way.When I entered college three years ago, I never thought it would go so fast, or that I would be so afraid as it approached its end. It's strange to think about all of the things that have happened, of the people who have taught me so much and of the way I've changed. Through the timid days of my freshman year, the crazy fun of my sophomore year, the glorious independence of London and the catastrophic events of last year (tinged with many silver linings), I have been growing into myself. I now know new ways to deal with loneliness, heartbreak, and fear, but I know new ways to express myself, get over myself, and help other people through their fears and heartaches.
I hate the constant change that's going on, but for the most part I like the changes in myself, which I guess is part of the deal.