The trick is not minding that it hurts.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who reads this blog that I love movies. I love long, drawn-out dramas, I love quick, smart comedies, I love classics and I love waiting for new movies to come out. I love everything about the movie-watching experience.

I love to see movies in the theater. I like the smell of popcorn, the over-the-top, color-clashing garishness of the theaters, the neon lights, the movie posters. I like settling into a squeaky seat, hoping that no one will sit in front of me so that I can put my feet on the back of the chair in front of me. I'm actually disappointed when I miss the previews, because I like the anticipation - both of waiting for the actual movie to start and of waiting for the movies with exciting previews. I like seeing the names of my favorite stars in big, dramatic letters and wondering if the movie will be any good. I like making fun of the movies that look horrible, feeling disgusted that people are making some of the crap that shows up on the screen, and committing the person next to me to seeing some of the movies with me. 

My favorite part of seeing movies at the theater is that moment when the movie you've been waiting for finally spreads across that screen and you just fall in. It's that beautiful moment when you know that you don't have to worry about anything else for at least two hours, but that you will worry. I know that I always get sucked into the lives of the characters on screen, and I worry for them. I gasp, I cringe, I laugh, I grin - I just generally can't help but get involved. But at the same time, I'm usually watching for camera angles, listening for soundtrack choices, and trying to figure out what other movie I've seen that guy in. 

I love watching movies at home too. Sometimes I watch movies while I'm cleaning my room or folding my laundry or even (since the invention of laptops started influencing my life) doing the dishes. These movies are usually not the kind I care too much about, and if they are, I've usually already seen them. 

I like to watch movies with friends, but sometimes it's a struggle. I hate missing crucial parts of the movie because someone was talking, and I hate being shushed when I want to comment on part of the movie. I hate having movies I love trivialized by people who don't like to work for their movies. I even hate the process of picking which movie to watch, because I almost always care and almost never have the same opinion as the majority of the group. But at the same time, I love having someone with whom to talk about the movie afterward, to make fun of the movie throughout, to quote the movie later. I love having someone else who will help me figure out why I know that guy with the funky hair. I love the shared experience of mutually loving or hating a movie. 

The reason this experience is such a tossup for me has a lot to do with the way I learned to love movies. I spent a lot of time watching movies on my own while I was growing up. When I was learning to drive, I made sure that I knew the way to my favorite video rental place (Top Hat Video - best video store ever) and I spent a good part of my sophomore year of high school renting big stacks of movies and watching them in my basement. I spent summers working on projects - tying quilts, scrapbooking, ironing - so that I'd have more excuses to watch all of the movies I wanted to see. I made lists that I kept in my wallet, and inevitably I'd find something else to see when I got to the rental place anyway. I wrote down titles when I saw bits of PBS documentaries. I found out what obscure movies my favorite actors had made and worked through those lists. I talked to my older brothers, who were just as passionate about movies as I was, and I wrote down the movies they told me to see, which is why I saw The Seventh Seal when I was 15. 

The thing that's funny now is that I find myself more and more interested in movies as art, and less and less interested in movies as entertainment. I still enjoy funny movies, some of the old musicals, the movies that are so bad they're great, but when it comes right down to it and I have a choice, I'd rather watch something serious. I've thought a lot about the reasons for this. Some of it may have to do with the number of movies I've seen at International Cinema over the years. Some of it probably has to do with my love of having snobby conversations with my brothers. A lot of it probably stems from the fact that I really hate bathroom humor, and so much of what's made today in the comedy department just seems like it relies too much on stupid gags and the gross factor. But I think the biggest reasons is that I'm always trying to make my movie watching an experience. 

When I was 15 or 16, I saw Lawrence of Arabia for the first time. It was one of those movies that I thought about for weeks after I watched it. I saw all of the special features and then searched the internet for more information about it. I bought the soundtrack just so that I could listen to it and replay the part where Lawrence rides out of the desert and says, "Nothing is written."  I have since purchased a poster of the real T.E. Lawrence and have been given a copy of The Seven Pillars of Wisdom. I tried to share the experience with my friends, but they fell asleep during the movie. Twice. I've never been able to help someone else to duplicate my experience with the movie, but when I watch it, I get the same thrill. It's the art of cinema at its finest. 

When I was 17 or 18, I had my own personal wake for Gregory Peck and rented a stack of his movies. I'll never forget the night when I watched On the Beach, and not just because of the cockroach incident that happened on the same night. The movie was chilling and human and moving in so many different ways for me, and although I tried to share it with other people, it was mostly just mine, and I liked it that way, even when I wanted to talk about it. 

There are some movies that I finish and want to start over again immediately (Like North and South or Little Women). There are others that make me want to write essays so that I can work out just what I think about them (I actually did this with Shadowlands and The Willow Tree, and would have with The Lives of Others if I hadn't had Whitney there to talk through it all.) Some movies are just so good that you have to take a step back and sigh when they are over because you've experienced something sublime (oddly enough, I felt this way about Sunset Boulevard. It's just so perfect to me. I felt the same way about On the Waterfront.) Some movies are become experiences because you compare them to other versions of the same movie that have been made, others because they are so completely new that you don't even know what to think.  In all of these cases though, they become a part of your consciousness - the images, the lines, the ideas - and a really good movie can change the way I see the world in a very indelible way. It's the reason I choose the movies that I see carefully, and ignore other movies completely. It's the reason I make lists and then blog about the movies that I see -  I like to consider my movies both before and after as I search for more movies that will impact me and give me experiences rather than entertainment only. 

This was an exercise in insomnia because I've been wanting to write about why I'm such a nut, but now it's time to go to bed and hope that it wasn't complete nonsense.