A Story.

Once upon a time, there was a teacher in the strange land of Spanish Fork.
She assigned her 7th graders to write a thing called a Poem for Two Voices, but because they had never heard of such a thing, she offered examples for them to read. She passed the examples out, but she didn't reread them beforehand, and so missed the fact that there was a Word in one of them. A Word most horrible and distasteful.
That word was Hell. Used as a noun.
(Pause for dramatic emphasis)
And lo, when the 7th graders came upon the Word, they gasped and shuddered, just as I am sure you are doing right now.
And they said, "Miss Winegar, do we have to read this word out loud?" And their benevolent teacher looked at them with dismay and said, "Of course not, dear children! I am so sorry for exposing you to anything so depraved!" And so they replaced it with "Heck" and all was well.
But behold, one of the children was a bad child. He had no problem with the Word and read it OUT LOUD for all to hear. And the children gasped louder and shunned the child.
But a good little child read the poem next and substituted the word "Heck" for the horrible word and everyone told him what a good thing he had done by not swearing.
And the teacher winked and gave a thumbs up to the bad child for not being afraid of a word that is in the BIBLE and has been said in multiple sessions of GENERAL CONFERENCE, especially when used as the name of a place and not as a curse.
But she secretly prayed that she would receive no horrified phone calls from shocked parents, because you never know what can happen when you are in such a strange land.
Note: This is how I told the story to Nate Kartchner and I thought I was so funny I decided to post it. I think I was inspired by the Vidal Sassoon writing style.

Epic Writer Gone Wrong

Today I opened my new curling iron (thanks, Mom) and was looking at the instructions. Don't ask why - I always glance through these kinds of instructions to see if there's anything useful. There never is, and these were no exception, but I came across this piece of amazing cautionary wisdom:
This appliance may have a polarized plug (one blade is wider than the other). As a safety feature, this plug will fit in a polarized outlet only one way. If the plug does not fit fully in the outlet, reverse the plug. If it still does not fit, contact a qualified electrician. Do not attempt to defeat this safety feature.

. . .

Defeat? (Megan puts away the sword and shield she had ready to battle against said safety feature.)
Shoot.

Another Saturday Night...

So as far as awesome Saturdays go, this one didn't really measure up.
First, I did nothing all day, which I suppose isn't too bad, except that I should have. Oh well. But then the fun started.
First, Jennie's dog died today. She was very old and sick, but it was very sad.
Also, Marci is having her second bout of conjunctivitis, and today her eye was super swollen and she couldn't even be in a room with any light, so we took her to the ER. It was an exciting 3 hours of Discovery Channel (Dirty Jobs, Myth Busters, Some Assembly Required) and observations of freshmen who broke stuff sledding. Good times, truly. Anyway, they tortured Marci a lot with eye drops and dye and bright lights and tetanus shots (why?) and we missed the stake opening social, but in the end they gave her some new antibiotics and we hope she'll get better soon (again.)
So here we are, Saturday night in the emergency room with the memory of a dead dog hanging over us. Good times indeed.
Don't worry thought - we're totally salvaging the evening by watching American's Next Top Model. If you think I'm joking, you've never seen the show. We turned it on and Tyra was yelling at one of the girls. Yelling! The drama of hopeful models is so entertaining.

Happy Birthday David Bowie!

There are two things that are sad about this post:
1) I haven't felt like posting for awhile, mostly because I don't feel like writing anything substantial. Since this trivial item came up (David Bowie's birthday - thanks, Karissa) I decided to post.
2) This is the second Bowie video I've posted. I don't even love Bowie that much, but he sure is funny to think about in the birthday sense. Thanks to Lindsey for celebrating with me by sending me clips from the Flight of the Conchords Bowie EP. (I sent her Bowie's performance of "Wake Up" with The Arcade Fire. Of course.)
Update: You'll be happy to know that I pulled out both The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and Seu Jorge's studio sessions from The Life Aquatic, and I came to a conclusion. I kind of like Bowie, weird as he is. But I may like Seu Jorge's versions of his songs better - his lyrics are so darn out there that they are kind of better in Portuguese. In any case, the Life Aquatic versions are quite pleasant, and also awesome. You should all check them out.
Anyway, I decided to give you this video, because you can't go wrong with Labyrinth Bowie.
For your blast-from-the-past viewing pleasure:

Barcode Battler

Thanks to Matt for pointing out this little gem of a video. This is a device that came out about the same time as Game Boy. Just wait until there's more than the brown couch in the screen.

This is my life south of campus.

Truly Scary

I just have to tell you this.
I decided that I wanted to watch the music video for "Thriller" because of it's current place in my life (yeah, when did you think you'd hear that?), so I looked it up on youtube.
I don't know if any of you have ever noticed the first few seconds of this video, but it begins with a disclaimer:
"Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this film in no way endorses a belief in the occult.
-Michael Jackson"

Strong personal convictions?
I was going to post a picture of him to emphasize my point, but looking at current pictures of him kind of made me want to throw up.

That is all.

Um...

Last week I got an email from the edited movie company that has been "going out of business" since the legislation against such organizations passed. They offered me a coupon for 50% off my purchase because over the summer I had tried to order several movies while their payment functions on the site were down, and eventually we ordered all of those movies through Jason McGee's account, so I didn't need more of them. However, they have been in my cart since that time, and apparently the good people at this place want to add those movies to their ever decreasing (then why do they have new releases?) inventory.
I deleted the items in my cart, but I have been wanting to see The English Patient since I read the book last spring, and I found a copy of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein for $6 and figured it was my chance to see Kenneth Branagh as a mad scientist. I went to place my order with my coupon, but it didn't work! I tried again (which was frustrating, because I was at home using my parents' dialup when I remembered that the coupon expired) but to no avail! I thought maybe I'd read the coupon wrong and started writing an apologetic but hopeful e-mail, but when I reread it I saw that it really should have been good for a few more hours. I rewrote the e-mail and asked them very nicely to give me back half of my money (because I placed the order anyway, thinking that they'd know I really had placed the order in time).
Today I got the following amazing e-mail:

Dear Megan,

It seams the site shut off the coupon at midnight eastern time, by mistake.However,the coupon will be working for 2 days more.
Robin,as part of our Friends and Family Promotion, we would like to give you a free DVD! For every three people that you refer and makes a purchase with Family Focus Films you will receive at last one free DVD of your choice. It is simple! Just tell them to put your name or email into the "Referred by" field when they are creating their account.

Regards,Lorena Gramática

Aside from some awesome disagreement and some very interesting comma usage, there are two things about this that I would particularly like you to notice (so that I can make fun of them). It seams that they're spell chequer is knot quite write for this sit chew eh shun, and it also seams that halfway through the e-mail they forgot that my name is not Robin, lovely as that name is. Finally, note the fine representative's last name. I don't know what that actually means, but under the circumstances, it seemed (seamed?) a bit ironic.

(Disclaimer: I am not making fun of non-native English speakers. I'm making fun of inattentive grammar in a business e-mail. Actually, it wouldn't have surprised me to receive an e-mail like this from several native speakers that I know. I realize that it is probably politically incorrect to criticize someone's English on my blog. However, since they didn't even take the time to make sure they were sending their "special offer" to the same person whose problem they didn't fix, I don't actually feel that bad, because clearly this e-mail was not the result of a great deal of time and consideration. Thank you.)

I replied and pointed out that, as I actually placed the order on Saturday, what I needed was a refund, not a new coupon.

I got another e-mail this afternoon refunding my $8.46.

Because I forgot how much I love the Animanics, and I will always love Shakespeare.

Did you wear a dress crafted from meat packing paper, as we discussed?

So here I am in the glorious land of Provo, with my closet organized and my roommates in place. Belmont is a very different place than the Glenwood, partially because it is very, very small. (Note the closet size in this picture - I am pretty sure I need to scrap half of my clothes, because this is ridiculous. The drawers are nice and big, though.) I must say I'm impressed with the person who designed the place - there is storage GALORE even though we don't always have room to turn around. The desks are beautiful, and there are all kinds of cupboards and closets and drawers everywhere I look. Now that everything has a place, I feel much better about things.
It was comforting yesterday that even though I was moving to a place where I'll only know my roommates, I have a strong base of friends right from the get-go. Before I left for Provo on Saturday morning, I got a text from Geoff telling me that he would be helping me unload and demanding that I tell him when I was coming. He was already here helping Jennie when I got here. On my way down I got another text from Todd saying that he would also come over if I needed help, but by the time I remembered to answer we were almost done and he was already here to bring all-sports passes. Marci was waiting at the door with her muscle, and Krissie and Jennie were there with hugs - all in all a good sign for the year.
We had to stop unpacking to get some food and go to the Arizona game. It was weird that my official goodbye to my parents for the year was in the Glenwood parking lot (they decided to continue parking there for games - it's just too good - and my friends were walking over from there). I never really got a chance to do the official cry fest thing because it didn't hit until then, and the parking lot didn't seem like the right place to cry. It's weird that this will be the last time that my parents will move me down to school, and I don't even know where I'll be going after graduation, but it won't be home unless I know when I'll be moving somewhere else. That sounds harsh, but it's too easy to live at home and eat my mommy's food. Once I graduate I feel like I need to find my own place of some sort. Weird. Anyway, the parentals were awesome and helpful and then proceeded to spy on me during the game. :)
I love our group for the games. It's our old group from ye olde 129th ward, and even though we're all spread out now I'm glad we can come together for football. I was happy to be greeted by a chorus of "Megan!" from people I haven't seen for months. It helped that the game was a good solid win, but I used the 2nd and 3rd quarters to catch up.
I love my new roommates (and the old ones.) After the game and a visit to Todd and Jason's new apartment (and a viewing of the new Brian Regan DVD - amazing) we had some serious bonding in Jennie and Marci's room. Krissie and Janie both have amazing taste in books and movies (read: very similar to my taste in books and movies) and I think we're going to be heavy in the good times department.
Our church doesn't start until 2:00, so we had WAY too much time on our hands this morning. I think it will be better next week - I'll know how to prepare and now waste my entire morning (plus I'll be able to eat.) I spent the morning reading in bed and then going from closet to closet trying to find something fun to wear. Krissie kept saying she was bored, so I asked if she wanted to do my hair (hers is always cute) and the result is what you see above.
Our church building (yes, church building, not building on campus!) is very nice, but seems to be engineered to let you show off. We had to walk up and down a lot of stairs while members of the opposite sex watched (this is not paranoia, I promise) and we had to walk into a Sunday school class with the entire class facing us. I never want to be late for that class. (The title of this post was my brother Ty's response to my lament that the first week in a new singles' ward makes one feel very on display. Amazing.) We got a good old-fashioned chastity talk out of 1st Corinthians (always a great way to start the year) but the rest of the meetings were nice, and our ward seemed mostly less awkward than is average for a BYU ward.
My favorite part of our new place is the balcony/outdoor entrance to our apartment. After church we made dinner (I was enlisted to sautée the zucchini and squash, and although I didn't eat any, I was told it was perfection in green and gold) and took it out onto the balcony to watch a rain storm under the cover of the overhang.
Ward prayer was more awkward than I thought it should be - I miss knowing everyone - but I think it will all get better.
Here's a picture of the other half of my now organized room. It's still kind of bare - I plan to use part of Labor Day to decorate - but it's pretty and clean and all of my drawers are lined with nice green and blue shelf paper. I'm sorry that I'm I'm not feeling terribly entertaining today - I'm sure that the hilarity will ensue shortly. Like the first time I forget that I have to carry a key now and get locked out. Curses.

Hamlet Takes Out the Trash!

This is How I Disappear (the male species can just ignore this one)

I'm done. I really can't say anything about what I thought without giving something away, but to the fangirlies still out there reading it -
PLEASE TELL ME WHEN YOU FINISH! IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER!

I am very nearly in pain because Miri is the only one I know who has finished it so far. Need...support...group....

Meanwhile, I will listen to the new Eclipse playlist (thank you Stephenie Meyer for giving us this other way to obsess, and thank you Mike Shorten for having everything Muse has ever done and passing it to Miri who passed it to me. It makes collecting the songs much easier) and wait for you all to CALL ME!

Speaking of the Apocalyse...

This will be quick, because I've already wasted too much time today, but it must be said.
As an English major and now as a lover of postmodern theory, I LOVE Cormac McCarthy. I love his brooding cowboy characters, his stories that are hopeless without leaving you without hope, his apocalyptic red skies, his stark but living landscapes, and his wryly funny characters like Lacey Rawlins and John Grady Cole. I also love the mystery of Cormac McCarthy, because he has always been a recluse. He's given about two interviews to magazines, and he's never appeared on TV.
Until now, that is.
Cormac McCarthy's latest book, The Road was recently added to the Oprah book club list. We won't go into my grudging like/hate relationship with that organization, but we will go into wondering why Cormac McCarthy decided to make his television debut on the Oprah's show.
WHY? Of all the places to go, was that really the most appropriate? What are the audience members going to make of him? Of the book?
Needless to say, for perhaps the first time in my life, I am making plans to watch the show today, because curiosity won't allow me to stay away.
Oh, what a world, what a world!


Follow up: I watched it. Cormac McCarthy is awesome, Oprah less than. My friend Katherine made some excellent observations that you can see here and definitely should. I concur with her wholeheartedly, and she's funny.

Back Off, Simon

I'm feeling particularly disturbed about the world tonight. Why? The Jazz aren't playing again until Saturday. That's not the problem. The reason they aren't playing until then is that the NBA is planning their schedule around American Idol.
American Idol? Really? I thought it would take at least 4 or 5 more years before Simon Cowell took over administration of the country. I guess I was too optimistic. (A note: Todd was my source for this information, and as it is a blog, I did no additional research. I reserve the right to be enraged without concrete proof. If it's not true and you base your term paper on it, it isn't my fault. That is all.)

Footbinding for the 21st Century

Miri just got these pictures from her dad in an e-mail, and it made me want to throw up...and also share the joy. Check out these amazing shoes and marvel at the brain of the person who could invent such fashion atrocities.

These remind me of toe shoes. Just the way I want to dance through life.

Could someone please find me a whip?

I think you might need a stool to get into these shoes, and good luck finding anyone who can kiss you up there. (That is what they're going for with these, right?)

Why?


The 70s are back with a vengeance!

For the little girl who always wanted to be a tap dancer. Or a horse.

Why do they need to bind feet when women seem to be having a jolly old time handicapping themselves? I hope we all have the good sense to shun these they way we didn't shun the stiletto.

Down With Dirty Books

I'm doing an assignment on censorship for my Adolescent Lit class, and I just looked up the list of 100 most frequently challenged books. There were quite a few on there that I'd read - I mean, Harry Potter was right there near the top, and the most challenged book is Scary Stories, which I'm pretty sure we all read in elementary school. My roommate Mandy just bought them in October to read to her 7th grade practicum class on Halloween. But my favorite challenge was number 88: Where's Waldo? by Martin Hanford.
Where's Waldo?
Really?
I looked it up to see if I could find out why - apparently there is an "exposed woman" in the beach scene. It was changed in later editions, so don't worry.
Insidious book, bombarding our eyes with centimeter high naked cartoon women. Down with such trash! Burn it! Also Harry Potter. Evil!
My teacher had a different story. She said it was challenged because apparently there is a picture in which Waldo is looking in a mirror and he has no reflection! Meaning . . . what? He's a vampire? A devil? I prefer to believe the first story, if only because there is some actual case for objecting, but I wouldn't put it past those Harry Potter hating book burners. (I'm sorry, did that sound like an attack? Because it was.)

Yeah. Keep up the good work, people. Protect our children.

Best Cheesy (and doubtless premeditated) Line of the Day

As the Women's Chorus was heading onto the stage tonight, one of the Men's Chorus guys said, "Give 'em heaven, ladies."

Aw.

Is it cynical of me to wonder how long he's been waiting to use that?

I'm so glad I'm in college because...

I'm giving a presentation in my religion class tomorrow. Dressed like this. Not sure about the crown yet.
We're presenting on President Hinckley's 6 Be's. (I don't know if that's the right place to use an apostrophe, but Bes looks really awkward. Sorry.) I don't think I need to say anything else.
Except I would like to clarify . . . that it wasn't my idea.

Let Them Love Cake

I can't believe I'm staying awake to do this, but it just occurred to me that it would be a fun post, and I have to do it before I forget.
Once upon a time in the Globe met a man named Jonathan Cake. And by met I mean watched and was spit on and insulted by, because he was the lead in Coriolanus. So I fell in love immediately, and Lindsey and I made plans for my subsequent marriage to dear Johnny Cake . . . over facebook, of course. The ensuing hilarity should not be consigned to the 18th
back page of old wall posts, so I'm posting them here for your reading pleasure. Unfortunately, the beginning of this conversation was over IM and is lost, but Lindsey said something about how I needed to convert Johnny and marry him in the London temple and then we could live next to the Globe forever.
June 16th
Me: Um, I think when I marry Johnny Cake I'm going to name kids German Chocolate and Strawberry Short. Perhaps if one is a little chunky we can call him/her "Pound" as a delightful nickname. This would be a wonderful thing. Sigh...
Lindsey: Johnny Cake is cute - and he's amazingly limber. Do you see how high he can kick his leg into the air, even after he's apparently been in battle for some length of time?!
I would fear that calliing your slightly chubby child "Pound" Cake, although incredibly funny, might give said child a complex. Haha. Although I would love it if you actually did name your son German Chocolate Cake. German isn't such a bad name, ya know, once everyone disassociates it with Nazis and David Hasselhof.
And then: p.s. Johnny Cake really is quite attractive. We should start a Johnny Cake following. Seriously, not only is he good looking, he makes me think of cake. What could be better. Although, I'm sure seeing him in person is ten times better than the picture.
Me: Um, I'm ready to head up a fan club. BUt not only did I see him in person, he was like a foot away from me. I'm pretty sure he spit on me when he gave his angry speeches, and he almost kicked me in the head while grappling with the guy he was kicking in the head there. Be still my heart...
June 20th
Lindsey: Sam, Mandy, and I were discussing your future husband, Johnny Cake. Mandy says you should name your daughter Patricia. Think about it. hehe.
Me: I'll patty your cake. I have so little time to make him mine! I must get to work!
Todd: Dear Ms. Cake,
BlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHH!!!!
--Nature Boy
June 21st
Lindsey: You will patty my cake? I don't know if that is an appropriate thing to say. haha. glad you caught on though. although i was thinking that instead of calling your child "pound," you could cleverly disguise the nickname by giving them a first name that starts with "L" and a middle name that starts with "B" and then their initials would be LB Cake.
P.S. We are cruel, cruel people. haha.
Megan: Lemon Bundt Cake it is.
Lindsey: Lemon Bundt Cake.....genius. How do we make it through the day without offending people with our limitless intelligence and wit? Honestly. We = amazing.
Well, since you will probably be busy touring with your parents, I shall say my last adieu until you are back in the states. Until then, sweet dreams...and by that I mean dream a lot about Johnny Cake and having his little debbie babies.
Todd: I do believe that we need to go 4 wheeling multiple times this summer...but we better do it before you marry johnny boy...
June 22nd
Lindsey: Johnny can always come four wheeling with us....that is once you've safely abducted him into the States and the chloroform has worn off. I'm sure four wheeling will be a perfect distraction away from the fact that he was just abducted....that and your beautiful self. tee hee.

It still continues - feel free to add to the list of names for my "little debbie babies."

Please Forgive Me

Please forgive me if I act a little strange,
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Every time I look at you . . .
-David Gray (also on the Twilight playlist)

Stephenie Meyer should be paying me to advertise her books. I've recommended Twilight to half of the girls in my ward (and a few boys), the girls who sit next to me in Women's Chorus (who were victimized because I was going crazy while I was in the middle of the book and had to be in class instead of reading), several of the girls in my adolescent lit class, and some of my roommates' moms. However, I'm not going to write to Stephenie Meyer asking for a commission, because last night I discovered a reason for my great satisfaction when a girl tells me she is reading the book.
It drives the guys crazy.
Now, I'm not saying I'm bitter, but I have been in the past, and I think this is a much more constructive form of retaliation than sitting around eating ice cream and wishing I was on a date. I'm just raising the bar.
This is my gift to the women of the ward who have been rejected or are dissatisfied - they find comfort in the perfect love story. And my gift to the boys of the ward . . . who now have to compete with Edward.
I'm pretty sure I sound like a lunatic and a cat-woman in the making right now, but you girls who have read it know what I'm talking about. Also, I've extended the invitation to the boys, and two have read it so far. I don't see how this could hurt them, and it definitely helps us. :)
So girls, this is for you. Enjoy, obsess, read all of the supplements, dream, listen to the playlist, read the entire book in one sitting and then reread it.
And boys, this is for you. Good luck. (Snicker.)